Every Single: dedicated to my girl

As promised at the beginning, here is one of my poetic endeavors. First, However, a word of warning: My poetry is meant for performance, and i feel that a large portion is lost in simply reading it. A mere vocal recording wouldn't do either, as i perform with my entire body. I will consider this while you read my attempts at meaningful expression. Now, without further ado:



Every Single: dedicated to my girl



Every single step shoots up the wires in my legs to the base of my spine
There presides a pounding pain, pulsing with my paces
Every single breath claws its way past the lump in my throat
And my vocal boards, raw from screaming
To the ragged, empty wound where my heart was,
Until I forgot to take it with me when I left.
I have always lived moment by blessed moment.
But now, every single moment without you brings fresh torture.
A shimmering, sparkling, silver switchblade slicing into my soul The hell of living moment to moment is that you aren't
here in this moment. I don't see your face in the crowd. When I'm done on this stage, I won't be going to sit beside you, To sip from our shared coffee: mocha, lots of sugar.
Yet even with all this pain, which you would not guess by my straight, strong posture, I continue walking and breathing.
Why? Because I know if I can keep breathing, and I walk far enough,
Then eventually, this pain can stop.
But if I stop, the pain is eternal.
Now I go to drink my lonely coffee: black, no sugar, no cream.

Gender?

"Don't belong! Don't exist!
Don't give a shit! Don't ever judge me!"

- Surfacing (Slipknot)

       As all of you should by now be aware, I am not "normal". Nor have I ever met anyone afflicted by this terrible condition. I am also not "average", because it seems a pointless, cookie-cutter existance to be such. However, I've always thought of myself as part of the Gender Majority, which is to say Cisgendered (for those of you not in the know: this means my mental, social, and physical gender all match). Recent events have called me to question old evidence, and I have come to the startling conclusion (or rather, lack thereof): I have no fucking idea what's going on. This is new to me, at least in this area of my life. 

       Before, I've always firmly checked the box marked "male" that denotes the equipment I was born with, and my happiness with the selection. But during the celebrations at the turning of the year, I had found found a guy, and we were... Well, I won't bore you with details. Anyway, when I was "reeling him in" so to speak, I was doing so in a very feminine manner. Predatory? Always. Yet, not masculine in this instance. This was a hell of a shock, and I refused to acknowledge it until just recently. But when i did, i looked back at incidents from my past.

       When i was a lad of but three, my mother decided to dress myself and my brother up as girls for All Hallows Eve. Several of the houses we went to complimented us, and said were "very pretty little girls." I glowed under the praise. Something about wearing that dress felt so right. I buried those feelings, for fear i would be taunted. Later in life, around my tenth summer, i had another experience wearing women's clothing. Specifically, my grandmother's. You see, everyone was out of the house and i, in a fit of experimentation, decided to try on my grandmother's panties, bra, pantyhose, and a dress. They fit very badly, but aside from that discomfort, it again felt like the most natural thing in the world.

       "all of this evidence points toward you being a crossdresser," you might be saying "but why the gender confusion?" Well, loyal reader, i haven't gotten to my most compelling point: i have always been jealous of women. They are so graceful and beautiful. I've always wished i could be like them: tiny, fragile, held safe in someone's strong arms. Or possibly seductive, predatory, and fierce, going after my prey with an intensity and desire that leaves men slackjawed. Instead, i was born a strapping boy, and am becoming a giant of a man. But I'm not sure I want to be. So to that end, I'm going to ask that you refer to me by gender-neutral pronouns (like "they" and "them", or "xe" and "xem"), until I can figure out how I feel. Although, however I feel, I'll always be me, signing off...

EDIT (as of 3-16-2012): I have resolved my gender issues, to some degree. i am a crossdresser. you might also call me bi-gendered. actually, that's a good way to describe it. i think i'll do that from now on...